_Let’s see if two hours of sleep is enough, shall we?: But I hope this red bull will keep me awake at least. Anyway, I’m up and at ‘em even if I am slow on the draw. Currently behind on drawing requests but that’s something that I’ll drip feed some progress. Already scratched one item off my to-do list and I’d like to see my girlfriend if possible today (got a gift card for Texas Roadhouse I’m itching to use). If I’m too undecided to start Deep Space Sorority proper then I can at least work on some concept drafts. Excerpts, one-shots, and the like. Finally is that re-draw of April I’m eager to get to. I got time and a place so let’s get to it.

_Drawing Requests: I offered and it’d be uncouth to not deliver. For now I’ll resume with the simple requests to build up momentum. It’s not a Herculean task but I get antsy if I can’t draw something correctly and that’s why I’ve been so avoidant of the items on my queue. Some of them aren’t even in my style but ask and you shall receive.

_Dropped some reading material off at a used book store: Not sure what was in that box but I’m expecting to get some pretty good store credit once they’re finished sorting through it all. My girlfriend and I enjoy browsing this location and I’m in the market for a good paperback. Going to a sit-down restaurant with her sounds like a good conclusion for the day so I’ll put the idea forward once she’s done sleeping in. Milk tea’s also a good way to facilitate the writing process so I’m thinking she’ll maybe tag along for that one. If not, more for me.

_Concept Drafts: I think the cause of my headaches has been having an idea with no execution. As the saying goes, a writer writes. Always! So any draft is a good draft all things considered. Doesn’t have to make sense for the continuity of a larger project, but just like drawing it’s important to have fun. Another tidbit of advice is if it’s boring to write then it’ll be boring to read. Let’s turn down the critical thinking skills to eliminate the skull chatter and get some writing done.

_April, the black sheep of my character line-up: Nothing’s gonna happen while I continue to have rigid ideas about who she is or what she looks like. Similar to my drafts, it’s better to not have any serious thoughts about how to move forward with drawing her. It’s better not to think. I’ve been thinking for the better part of twenty years and it’s done me no good. I think that’s why I’m my most coherent while I’m drunk. But without invoking Hemingway (who gave himself a Kurt Cobain make-over) let’s take a more holistic approach to turning off the brain noise.

That’s it. Go away…

_Intro: Picked a little too late to open that can of Celsius and now my sleep schedule’s fucked so I figured I may as well do some writing. Today I finished watching Serenity again for the first time in 10 years and it still holds up as a childhood favorite. Funnily enough I watched the movie before I even cracked open the show so I had to put pieces of the lore together on my own. But there’s something visceral about watching a cult classic show up, run its course, and let the world move on, the story leaving behind a legacy of being one of the best sci-fi series there was.

_Elegy of the Space Western: This isn’t a comprehensive history of titles that fall under the category. Instead I wanted to go into depth on how Serenity (and by extension Firefly) influenced my work alongside other titles from that decade. A lot of images come together when I think of the direction of sci-fi from that time. Starting with Alien in the 1970s, science-fiction was growing out of its utopian predictions for the future and moved into what felt like the realistic outcome. Spaceships were grungy, industrial, and characters weren’t messianic leaders but homegrown heroes. It was a new portrayal of the working class man and woman reframed for the center stage.

The space western was no different. If anything it was a natural progression for how stories reflected cultural sentiments from that time. Whereas you have the idyllic presentation of mankind in the future, everything’s clean and chrome and the hero’s cause is just. But authors from that time still had to abide by conventions of white middle-class America. The hero could never be a rogue, worked within the law, and always upheld authority. However, the counter-culture movement influences the genre beginning around the same time as Star Wars. Yes, Star Trek set a new bar with its progressive themes and egalitarianism, but you don’t really see the rogue or the rebel shine like they do in the space western where it’s all about the outlaw.

Then we get into the early 00’s where Firefly makes a name for itself. One element of the show that it does excellently is the hybridization of eastern and western cultural influences; I’m talking Chinese and American specifically. Makes for a pretty good combo when you think about it, like chocolate and peanut butter, different in many ways but that only enhances the flavor. Same is true of the Alien franchise and its blend of both America and Japan, Weyland-Yutani.

_Millennial Sci-Fi: I’m not talking about ear gauges or $20 cheeseburgers but rather the prevalence of sci-fi titles from the early to late 2000’s. For all the grotesqueries of Lucas’ prequel trilogy a lot of good came from that melodrama. Without Revenge of the Sith there’d be no Republic Commando, no Bad Batch. Furthermore the 00’s were the birth of Dead Space and Halo. Enough said. Starship Troopers came out a few years before the turn of the new millennium but think of what that did for Helldivers later on.

What I’m trying to say is that this stretch of time became a renaissance of sorts spanning from the early 1990’s to early 2010’s. Yeah, I contradicted my earlier timeframe but I’m operating on two hours of sleep here.

Still though, I mainly have Firefly to thank when it comes to how I write my stories these days. The crew of adventurers, outlaws, rogues, all living together aboard a ship that becomes iconic to their journey. Long before I came up with the idea for Deep Space Sorority there was still that flavor of spacefaring cool-guys, kicking ass and taking names throughout the galaxy and that’s been a favorite of mine going as far back as middle school.

_Firefly and Serenity: Call me biased but, as a southwesterner, I love a story set in a desert. Sure, they’re easy to film in, cheap even, and the ecosystem’s sturdy. I remember tagging along with my aunt to Walmart when I saw the DVD for Serenity on our way to the grocery section. As a six-year old at that time I fell in love with the box art that combined two of my favorite themes: action-adventure and pretty girls. I went home with a copy and watched it beginning to end and on repeat. It sticks with me because there are mysteries in box art that excite the imagination about a larger world enveloping the story. Nowadays, such promotional material is algorithmic, generic, and following trends to stay familiar and therefore profitable.

Like I said, I didn’t even know there was a show until a few years later and that’s why the movie stays with me more. I wanna say it has to do with child-like ignorance, those formative years when you don’t really know how anything works but abide by the mystery regardless. I didn’t know how gauss technology worked or how solar systems spun. There’s a time in childhood when stuff just is what it is and it’s fine that way.

I look back on those times because it’s the days before the brain chatter, before ideas started competing whenever they conflicted. But that shit doesn’t matter to a little kid because they only focus on the rule of cool. Simpler days are happier days.

Space adventures, thrilling heroics, a traveling band of cool-guys (and girls). That’s what mattered then, it can still matter now. Though I’d never consider Firefly or Serenity to be the type of story that feels the need to justify itself. No, Joss Whedon was very confident in his vision for what an effective space western should be and I laud him for it.

It could also be my acoustic brain but I fucking love moving parts. I wanna see the bits and how they function. I wanna see wear and tear and settings that look as they should smell like a garage. That type of scenery is honest to me. Both the movie and show delivered on that and another thing I enjoy about space westerns (and the industrial look overall) is how detailed it is. Star Trek and its clean, chrome ships don’t really do it for me even though I recognize the importance that franchise has on fiction and even astronomy. But seeing rust and welds and evidence of machine tooling is what I know, it’s what I’ve seen.

Again, that mystery, I didn’t know how machines worked but I knew they looked cool as hell.

_More Firefly Glazing: I always appreciate it when a story stays true to its emotional core and resonates with audiences long after its denouement. Firefly does just that. Like a gift that kept on giving, I fell in love with the movie then learned there was a show, then after that I learned there were comics. Same thing happened with me and Dead Space though the expanded universe there is less than impressive.

A good story is like a good friend, it’s there for you when you need it.

I like to think I’ll be able to do the same thing one day. Even though my works shift hard towards NSFW I don’t think that means it should diminish the emotional impact of my characters and their journey. Maybe I’ll never achieve the same household recognition as Joss Whedon’s titles but I’m fine with that. I only need to stay true to my vision and if an audience picks up, no matter how niche, then I’ll call it a job well done.

Errant out

_Intro: Despite an earnest attempt at writing for Deep Space Sorority I’m still faced with the problem of knowing where to start. Multiple starting scenarios run through my head, competing for attention, and while I see the merit in each on I’ll have to bring this thing to a head eventually.. It sounds like an odd thing to get hung up on but the starting point I choose determines the bulk of the story’s rhythm. Other than that, I struggled to draw April which I’ll get into as well as some thoughts I had about writing.

_Starting Scenario Situation: Like I said, it’s an important decision to me because it’ll essentially pivot the story of Deep Space Sorority. Backstories, character development, and even setting may be tailored to the prelude. I could get stuck in this mire forever if I don’t pony up and make a decision. My answer: don’t think. In fact, I could solve a lot of my problems if I just dialed back the skull chatter. Even though I’m not too familiar with his work save for a couple poems, Charles Bukowski wasn’t a particularly brilliant man but he was influential and I’d put that largely on the part of his ability to stave of overthinking. Don’t try was his message to the world and in times like this it’ll be best to trust my intuition.

_Drawing + April’s Likeness: I felt very confident in my drawing ability after completing another successful piece for Sakura and while I still need some practice with faces I had next to zero luck in drawing her sister April. I couldn’t even get a fucking figure sketch down. It’s like my brain shuts off once I set my intention to draw her. The problem may be that I’m adhering to an outdated idea of April, a visual bible that I wrote before grasping the fundamentals of art. And just like picking a starting scenario, capturing April’s likeness is an area where I put too much pressure on myself. Washo baskets. Gotta invoke the spirit of washo baskets. Ideas go in easily and they come out easily, Nothing is jealously guarded. I’ll try again tomorrow.

_My Takeaway: Perhaps not trying too hard is the best course to set for myself. Acting like you got something to prove without the confidence to back it up is a short path to failure in my experience. But again, washo baskets. What makes an artist an artist isn’t their pull to the end product but the act of creation itself. If drawing is solely a frustrating process then that means there’s something I must change about my perceptions towards art. Brushing up on the fundamentals will be helpful too. An old teacher of mine once said that there are few things harder to break than a bad habit. I can see the honesty of that in my drawing process. May as well take a step back, unlearn some things, and observe what the pros have to say. Discipline will be worth it in the end.

_What Do I Want From Myself Tomorrow: Staying out of the house for longer than a few hours is a good start. Consuming TV alone is a bad waste of mental energy and if I had to sit in a lull of inactivity I’d rather do it outside. There’s always my graboid rock. Boba tea doesn’t sound bad either. Take care of your health, both physically and mentally, because as an artist your well being will reflect in your work. Without trauma-dumping I’ll say that a particular anxiety has resurfaced, It keeps me in my own head, makes me wary of people. I don’t have to be Mr. Popular but hanging onto malice makes for really ugly thought patterns. I’d rather not get up my own ass about it but I will say that I need to prioritize my health if it means staying a bit ignorant for a while and by that I mean operating as if everything is just dandy. So be it.

Working from an iPad and not sure how to do em dashes here. Errant out.

Why?

(edit)

nvm fixed it

_Intro: Looking back on old entries from late last year I realize what went wrong. The posts have become a form of therapy. Self-soothing. But as I said once before que sera sera, I want to go back to normal. Now, with that in mind, I can review the direction of old projects and see what worked, what didn't work, what needs changing. So let's reflect on that.

+[Proj_01]: "Four Titles": A bit foolhardy but seemed like a good start, still can be. But I need to learn a lot more before I open up that box of cheez-its. Will it be worth it to do so? Of course. Instead of working on the games themselves I can go back to document the learning process. I have somewhere a list of tools and programs to help.

+[Proj_00]: "RPG Travel Kit": Done. Maybe not to my specifications but if it works it works. Got the sheets printed out, cut, and filled out. Though putting them together made me think on how I want my stories to be written. May be worth a do-over just to get it right this time.

+[Deep Space Sorority]: Based on the game Death in Space and the reason for the RPG Travel Kit, Deep Space Sorority is my flagship IP after dwelling on so many story concepts. So far this one feels the most cohesive when it comes to ideas. But it risks the same problems as all the others, confused direction as a result of too many ideas popping off and then they grow exponentially (especially in ways that conflict). No, maintaining focus on the original intent and keeping it simple is the way to move forward.

+[Misc.]: Several other ideas bounce around here and there. Won't get into them but I have multiple workshops that need attention.

_Addressing the Work/Art Balance: Got a new lead on an apprenticeship for Heavy-Equipment operation. That Associate's in Water Technology can't come soon enough and I am not going back to unskilled labor. So while that gets underway I'm looking to what I can work on in the meantime. Some structure will do me good.

_What Comes Next?: The RPG Travel Kit needs a do-over just to trim the fat and maintain a clear idea on the story. As it is Deep Space Sorority remains the flagship for now. I'd like to keep writing while tying my resources together and that means coming out with a few drafts between then and now. Other than that I have a few drawing requests I need to keep up with. I'd like to do three before the end of the week.

—Errant out

_Though the day started as an absolute nothing-burger I still have a lot to be grateful for closer to the evening. I didn't stop playing New Vegas until it crashed—fucking Sierra Madre—and then I realized I almost spent another day playing video games. A bit of wisdom: time you enjoy wasting isn't time wasted. But looking back on it I internalize that former half of the day as me simply doing what I know and that's playing video games as a means of avoidance.

So what saved me in the end? After the game crashed I decided to do a bit of writing before my dad came home and we both got Jimmy John's. I can never say no to a beach club and I'm a rewards member so I sometimes get a cookie. Getting back on track, there was a good slice of the afternoon when I was listening to music. Not in a way familiar to my old habit of tuning out but felt I was actually contemplating something. I'm of the belief that human beings are receivers of consciousness and not producers so that means ideas, creativity, even preferences come from an outside source. Tonight is not the night for metaphysical rambling but I wanted to say that when all else fails we can rely on intuition.

And what that did for me was put my stories back on the original path after so many years of miring in confused direction. So much of that conflict is internal, though, and without spilling my guts all over the place I'll say that I have a newfound sense of clarity and couldn't be more grateful.

Another thing on my mind has been the trap of self-pity. I can see a lot of that in my previous entries and without argument I'll say it's time to move away from that wavelength. Getting stuck up one's own ass with the "oh, woe is me" style of thought creates a unique kind of lotus eater. In a sense they uphold their own personal hell with how they're so unwilling to move away from that which ails them. I know this because I've been there and can speak with some truth on the subject. Sure, not everyone's problem is so easy to get away from and I won't invalidate that situation. But in my case I have to be my own life-line when it feels like therapy isn't cutting it anymore.

Nothing wrong with going to therapy either. I'd hate to discourage people from that. Once more I'll say that I'm only speaking for myself.

I saw my girlfriend too and she has such a great presence to be around. She talks about how one day we'll move in together and because she's such a late riser she'll get to wake up to me making breakfast—and I make some bomb-ass French Toast—before we both depart for work. Still, the idea of full-time employment leaves me anxious for innumerable reasons. Without lingering on those fears I will say that I have a lead I can use to fill another step in my sustainability plan.

Tomorrow morning, when their office opens, I'll make an appointment with a nearby school to see about getting certified on heavy-equipment. I made a promise to myself that one day I'll be the one who drives a bulldozer and I'm intent on keeping it. More on that later.

I got a weak start today because I missed my window to start early. It's a weird hurdle but if I can't be out in the world before 10:00 I'd rather just stay inside, avoid the lunch rush that way. But when I started to listen to music I went from shiftless to inspired and then feeling equanimity after picking up my girlfriend—we got protein shakes!

Any movement is good movement in my case. Enough of the soft-talk that I've been feeding myself since the start of the decade, I feel ready to stretch out and push the barriers of what I'm comfortable with. Saying better late than never still has notes of defeatism attached to it so instead I'll replace that phrase with who dares wins. Feels applicable to say that. It's not enough to just do something anymore I have to be purposeful. No more soft-talk, vague ideas, and abstraction is only good in the short term.

Tomorrow is another chance to try again and my XBOX will remain dormant. Before I end this I will say that I have the opportunity to create the stories I was always meant to. Some of these characters have been with me as far back as middle school and I owe them that much.

I'm also open to surprises.

—Errant out

_Realistic thinking is what's going to save me in this day and age. I don't know if it's maturity or what, something clicked in my brain and now I feel more present as a result. Escapism has been my MO for a good while now but finding ways to support myself has become the most important goal to set my sights on. I used to think politics were important, I thought the same of doing whatever I could to tune out, lately I've just been feeling more aware. It's not the usual hyper-awareness rather it feels like coming out of being a lotus eater. A lot of factors tie into this shift, I won't get into them, instead I'll just say what comes next.

On the topic of politics—which is a really dry subject—it's important for me to realize how much this has been affecting my mental state. Growing up and assuming a whole new level of responsibility has been inevitable, it's just been harder with the economy being what it is. I used to use politics as an excuse to never grow up. What difference would it make if it's all fucked in the end? And with that line of reasoning I never facilitated change. There's a lot of emotions going around concerning the current administration. Donald Trump is a businessman first and foremost. He is playing 4d chess but not in the interest of the American people. Him and Musk give me a new idea about how everyone operates, though.

Everyone sees what they want to believe...

Take the cybertruck for instance—it's a piece of shit, you can't argue otherwise. But the marketing and maybe even influence from Musk have convinced enough people to buy it. Why? Wishful thinking of course. What else does a businessman do besides convince people they're getting what they want and then some? That's advertisement. That's barter. You can't argue with me on that. And the funniest part is that people will never learn. With that being said it's important to recognize the ultimate trapping of the realist thinker and that's the easy slide into becoming a lame cynic, someone who thinks they're too learned, too refined for the world. I was that person, that's how I know. I would say that's how the modern redditor behaves but they've got their own reactionary quagmire to root in. Having a hair-trigger to everything you feel goes wrong in the world without doing anything meaningful creates a nasty type of lotus eater.

There is light in the darkness, however. And I am quoting Joshua Graham because that line speaks to everything I'm trying to adopt. Not a religious person myself but I take good advice where I can find it. That's what stories do, they influence people and that's part of why it's humanity's most universal tradition. I mainly use creative writing for escapism and self-indulgence and I still do. When I look back on my inactivity as a writer I place the blame on trying to have too much control over my story. There're two different schools of writing: the gardener and the architect. But what about a chef? I never heard anything about a chef writer who treats their story like it's a recipe. Get the right ingredients, tools, cook it to perfection. You take the moon and you take the sun, you take everything that seems like fun...

That is my light in the darkness. One of them, thankfully. There's still someone to be grateful for during these uncertain times. I wish current events were cool enough to say dangerous days, get on the cover of a Perturbator album, but that's irrelevant.

I still have to worry about what I'm going to do financially and without mulling about I have faith in my plan so far. Find a job for the meantime (doesn't have to be my dream career), go back to school in the Fall, see about how to become a heavy-equipment operator, maybe get some certs, and see about finishing up my Bachelor's Degrees. Will this plan unfold as I intend? Not likely. Never does. But it's just like jazz, you gotta think it as you play.

My only regret is never starting sooner...

—Errant out

We've been getting a lot of dust storms lately. I can't say I mind them compared to the typical heat advisory but I'll be damned if they don't make the vibes a little antsy. That's how my girlfriend and I felt today, antsy. Though I started feeling irritable towards the end I can't say I lost my cool despite misreading a turn at an intersection. Either way, I'm here and I'm grateful despite the state of things.

That irritability came from money troubles, news foreboding about another great depression and debt slavery. My dad once told me it's never as good as it seems, it's never as bad as it seems. He's a big fan of war movies and Black Hawk Down is no exception. Speaking of dads, I watched that movie Cell based on the Stephen King book, a dad looks for his son after a strange phone signal turns people into hive-minded psychopaths. It came out nine years ago and received poor reviews so I'll just say it looks like a downer ending. Didn't help the mood today and we're both feeling spent. Not only did I watch Cell but I've been playing a lot of Fallout: New Vegas, another IP that feels bleak.

Hope no longer feels like a random Facebook word anymore but a survival necessity. By all means, don't have any illusions about current events so long as you don't dare go hollow. I want to invoke a tidbit from an entry from earlier into the year—already half over, isn't it?

When you see good as the baseline, every thing that goes wrong feels like a tragedy. But by recognizing bad as the baseline, everything that goes right is a precious gift.

I like gifts so I'm gonna roll with that. Now that we've brought that state of mind back into the picture the problem of keeping hope alive seems more clear, no? Another thing that seems clear is reclaiming my power but not spreading myself too thin again, better not have a repeat of late '24. Evie helped me figure that one out. Three goals I want to stick to, start a career, get better at art, create a blog for another persona to use. At least this way I'm not all over the place even though my fear of money troubles linger. Of course I'm not expecting to go full on Of Mice and Men but I worry about not being able to afford the things I'm used to. Coffee, steam sales and the like. If I get hungry I want to know that I can buy something to eat.

To keep this entry from going all over the place I'll say that I'm content looking for more work whilst pursuing my art. The time's gonna pass anyway so I may as well be intentional about how I fill it. To wrap up here I'll note that I found a good place out in the desert. My graboid rock. Not a lot of resistance getting there and once I do the spot is comfortable. I took a nap up there last week before getting to work on another drawing, there's enough surface area and not too much of an incline, thankfully. It feels pertinent to ask Evie what she thinks and what she's really telling me is that getting back on Indeed will put my mind at rest for a while. The day's about over and I can't complain.

The lower you go on Maslow's hierarchy of needs the more you interact with the reptile brain. Last night I talked a little bit about basic needs modern people should strive for (house, food, etc.) but far below that is when you enter hypothalamus and basal ganglia territory, the type of shit so primordial that it can override a person's sense of reason if they're pushed to it. I'm talking about needs like sleep, food, sex, personal space, and I'm not being unreasonable when I say that interfering with any of these is a surefire way of pushing someone into psychopathy.

I am 3 hours awake before my alarm is set to go off and it has to do with this fucking cat relentlessly meowing because it wants food in a bowl that has food. As much as I want to be a more empathetic, reasonable person this year, this is the kind of bullshit that makes me want to break something. If your sleep is consistently fucked with for the stupidest reason, you are not going to make decisions you otherwise would. I cannot be bothered to think rationally right now.

Everything is so grating to me this morning that this entry could very easily turn towards psycho-posting. DO NOT FUCK WITH PEOPLE'S SLEEP.

Outta my head. I still have the power. Evelyn would not ponder the shit that I am right now. But like I said, everyone's got a hierarchy of needs and if you interfere with anything closer to the bottom you're asking for trouble. It's a cat, it's a hamster, these creatures aren't conspiring against me, they have their own needs they're trying to fulfill even if it interferes with a diurnal animal like myself. That's why parents are so fucking rude, they did not get an undisturbed hour of rest, and unlike a cat you cannot simply get rid of a human baby. So how do we salvage the morning?

I am due that protein breakfast. The John Cena bar and muscle milk, 40 grams with the strawberry flavor should god allow it. I am watching Land of the Dead as I write this because I have no patience for YouTube's ads right now. There has to be some lapse in judgement, a fault in the mind, if entrepreneurs and companies and businesses think that persistent advertisement isn't going to make someone hate their product. It could be the fucking miracle drug that cures dementia, cancer, and a runny nose all in one but if it's in a 40 second unskippable ad then I will pray that whatever factory making it is lost to a devastating chemical fire and then their shareholders pull out.

This is what running on barely four hours does to a person, I cannot even try again because anything that sounds remotely similar to a cat's meow wakes me up. I do not like that. They call it cats training their owners but I resent that idea unfathomably. This little four-legged serial killer manipulating a human's parental instincts to their benefit? No, that is a too much for me to process this early morning.

I still have the power, back on track. Fuck, I'm seeing firsthand how closely sleep deprivation is tied to anxiety. Guns. I like guns, I shot a battery because it was easier than taking it to the proper facility, blew up like an m80 once I finally landed a shot. Either I'm that bad or glock sights are ass. Guns and ground beef, I like making stuff with ground beef especially pasta. Got some 90% lean defrosting in the fridge as we speak, gonna add some of that bowtie stuff once I pick up more cheese. Do I got tomato sauce? There better be a jar of prego somewhere in this house. Food and sleep, do not take that away from a human.

That's why Skynet's destined to lose, and the covenant, and the reapers. If you take sleep, food, or sex away from a human then we will make the Siege of Stalingrad look like Stardew Valley with the levels of cruelty we will inflict on anything that triggers our reptile brains.

I don't like Asia Argento but she looks so fine in Land of the Dead, that fishnet and mini-skirt aesthetic was fundamental to designing Lexine's character down to the haircut. I should try drawing Lex again. Her and Evie who would also take to writing as a way to salvage this. Evie—like me—would also struggle with controlling negative emotions as a result of being on the spectrum. It doesn't help either that I never had someone to model that type of emotional restraint after. But if I had to watch a video of myself throwing something before screaming at a cat I would gravely regret my lack of control. And that's why she's there.

Early mornings are so beautiful, serene in an almost alien way out here in the desert and that's what I'm gonna takeaway from being woken up so early. The east side of town gets this soft blue that meets with indigo every summer. And the sun is absolutely golden when it climbs over those mountains. I might even leave the house an hour early just to watch it rise, up on my graboid rock, bottle of muscle milk in hand.

—Errant out

Truth be told I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep without writing at least one thing. I'm grateful to call today and yesterday productive yet I'll never evade my absurd printer problems—the fucking thing never wants to cooperate when I need it to! I was on top of a boulder today, a huge 40 ton mound of igneous I called my graboid rock due the peak's elevation from the ground. It was, of course, the perfect place to do some drawing while the light was still good and winds cooperative, and I finished my first sex scene complete with background. There's something to learn from every finished piece, a little bit of trial and error, reflection, and with enough consistency I'll get to where I want to be, and my graboid rock is the best place to keep working.

Tomorrow's another early start to the day, more time to hang out in the desert if I equip myself properly. I think I'll roll with a simple breakfast of MET-Rx and Muscle Milk from the adjacent gas station—modest, efficient, affordable. There's something about the desert that invites the outlaw spirit, opens a channel to authenticity and I think that's where I'll produce some of my best work.

It's certainly never not on the table but as of today there's more work to do, less of it creatively challenging and more necessary to facilitate change. I am, of course, talking about starting a career and that begins with more education. One thing I never understood growing up was how people could get so jazzed about chasing their dream job, paying to study so they can get paid to practice what they studied. What makes more sense is what people really want is to never be destitute. A home, health insurance, food security, the building blocks of life. None of it comes easy and we all make sacrifices to afford stability, and what I used to be so avoidant towards is now a goal that's been a long time coming. I mean, what else am I going to do?

These are moments where Evie takes the stage as I let her shoulder all my problems. Recognizing my avoidant personality is the first step towards overcoming the challenge but it's not the whole enchilada. There's still the issue of working myself into a groove I've become too comfortable residing in and any threats of altering that routine are met with either avoidance or skepticism. No, the only way forward is to change and to change means to struggle. It will all be necessary and faith in the process is paramount.

I think there's validity to viewing oneself in the third person and that's just what Miss Evelyn Veronica facilitates—self-reflection...

Before Joe Rogan became a mouth piece for the establishment he used to give good advice. One thing he said stuck out to me: imagine your life as movie. Whatever you can to get out of your own head you should do it, maybe it's not so much the myth of Narcissus but from my experience we come to believe in our own unreliable narrations. That's the power of viewing yourself in the third person, that you're more than just your singular perspective but have always been a part of a larger whole—the scene itself. Otherwise it's just fermentation. Not fermentation like beer, nothing good, more like the anaerobic digestion in septic tanks.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to be in the moment. That can't be more pertinent in an age of distraction.

I like to end things on a good note so I will say that I look forward to that protein-based breakfast tomorrow even if it's not the nutritional ideal. Furthermore, I want to believe that stability offers a different kind of freedom. Less of the shiftless NEET lifestyle and more of an upgrade as it were. A new stage in life where the responsibilities are greater but so are the privileges we reap. In a few year's time I'll be able to hop in my truck and go anywhere I please, I could drive as far as Alaska if I so choose or head east and experience a hurricane for the first time. It's understood that neuro-divergents (such as those with ADHD and autism) tend to be late bloomers.

At least on my side of the spectrum that's how it feels...

That's not to say it's impossible, though. I don't want to buy any stock in a fixed mindset. But the improvement of having realistic, tangible goals is now in front of me and some people start earlier, others much later. It's true what they mean when they say that comparison is the thief of joy.

Tomorrow is another day to work on it and I'm grateful I have the means to do so. I enjoyed today's drawing and think I'll produce more just like it. Until then, sleep well and dream of large women.

—Errant out