_Hiding in the locker room at work to do some writing. Weekends are more relaxed than a typical work day because of how few trucks arrive and of course management is gone until Monday.

I love the idea of civil disobedience, those small ways we reclaim agency in a system bereft of it. No reason to be grateful that mgmt is so generous about bathroom breaks as if it weren't a biological necessity and actually a privilege. And if they'll be so indignant about it then they're free to clock in to oversee us drones.

I remember my last therapy session. My therapist, let's call him Mike, explained to me that fear of success is a real thing and it leads to self-sabatoge. It didn't make sense to me until he explained the reasons why people fail to pursue their goals:

[01] Fear: action produces change and it's a comfort w/ what's familiar that keeps people in a routine of mundanity. I can only speak from the perspective of a creative but I can also empathize w/ those missing adventure in life. The consensus is that starting is the hardest part. A conscious shift from the groove you've worked yourself into w/ intent on starting over somewhere new, somewhere better. You have to have faith it's the right path to be on.

[02] Self-doubt: Speaking from personal experience and observstion, self-doubt is that little monkey on your back hired by the same demon that makes you too comfortable w/ the familiar. It's the most personal enemy of the ambitious, your only true rival. An absurdist pursuit of a goal is the quickest way to silence that doubt. Yang energy firing on all cylinders in the sole direction of your ambition.

I can appreciate the explosive power of yang. My brother was a wrestler and I've seen firsthand how a quick burst of stamina can throw the advantage to you. But I learned long ago that yin is better for longevity. Hold on to yang like it's your ult move, use it when you need that boost.

[03] Talentlessness: I've already spoken at length over the dissonance between my skill level vs. my ambition. In some sense I am right when I say there isn't enough time to learn everything. No one has the privilege of a lifetime anymore. And as I said, Yin is better for longevity-longevity being husbanded as a finite resource. Yin is patient, it's fuel-efficient, and lightens the weight of self-doubt. The force behind why a river can whittle a stone into sand is persistence. That's the main takeaway from that movie The Founder, persistence pays off. If you're showing up for yourself, you're already doing enough.

I'm writing this from my phone so forgive any errors in grammar or format. Everyone wants to make the day go by quicker but the harder we resist the work day, the longer it feels. I can walk up and down commercial side pretending to sweep, letting my thoughts run on autoplay until it's time for lunch and then again until it's time to close.

A family of finches carved themselves a nice piece of real-estate right here in the transfer station. They know it's safe to fly down into the pit and pick at scraps when the dozer's not looking. They say there's a skunk somewhere on site but I've only smelt its presence. What I've learned from my few months of working in waste management is that beauty's found in strange places. I remember last year I saw a team of mallards flying west over the backdrop of a rainbow and cumulonimbus. And yesterday when the city got hit by whiteout. You'd never think that sort of thing could happen in southern New Mexico, but a high desert is a land of extremes.