_I woke up this morning a half hour before my alarm to watch youtube and the algorithm took a break from it's usual stream of bad news to drop this little diddy on me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J5TjkS82QA&list=PL9hUsDMzbFW9znFr8chnf8MxxK8hqVhGw&index=66
While getting back to work on the character sheets, I had time to reflect on what I learned after watching this, the whole day seemed to revolve around this internal conflict between doomerism and hope. My takeaway from the video is something very personal and has surprisingly been a mindset I cultivated a couple years ago. Mandelbro ends on the note, something like every pessimist being a disappointed optimist. From there he concludes on:
The pessimist will see the good as the baseline, and reality as the disappointment. The optimist will see the bad as the baseline, and any good as a rare gift.
Now that was the crux of a certain mindset-let's call it a personal protocol-when it came to dealing with an enduring challenge I had with feelings of inadequacy. I accepted the bad as the baseline and from there it was an epiphany. I handled the world differently, "Take life gently and quietly" became my mantra. Over time I lost the essence of that protocol when I started working in waste management. But now that I've moved on from that job, it's beginning to return.
New Year's Day, I convinced myself there was only a good 20 years left before the world became a universal dystopia. For all the criticism I have of doomers this is a doomerist take on my part. But I like to think of myself as an absurdist. Acting on a timeline of two decades felt like just enough of a reason to get my ass in gear. We've got a lot to do and only 20 more years to do it! Marvelous. Then yesterday I said "It's not 20 years, it's more like 3". What difference does it make? Furthermore, I also described the state of the world as being sorta comatose like victims of the WAU. Not truly healing, but never allowed to die. There's another way of saying that, a better way, you call it ebb and flow. Nothing new about the realization, that's yin-yang shit right there.
Another realization came to me that it's this anger towards the state of things that wasted so much of my time in the first place. Anger about injustice and inequality and those who perpetuated it. I'm in the same position I was then. I no longer want to say that it's a fucked situation to be in because that implies a grim sense of finality.
Truth is I'm afraid for more than myself. The anti-doomers (let's call them) always bordered on masturbatory. Ironic, an NSFW artist calling others masturbatory. But it's true, everyone has their indulgences. No exceptions. And you have to be some level of delusional to think it's one big fucking party for everybody. Maybe they've been so benefitted, so untouched from external circumstances that they're left with nothing to do than be angry about people who don't think our system is flawless! You can always judge a person's character with how well they respond to criticism. Always.
But let's look at the other extreme because I've been both. Hopelessness seems to be the appropriate response to things, especially when they affect you so directly. There is no easy answer-never has been. I want to have faith in human compassion, in empathy. Because while taking care of each other isn't the easiest answer it's obviously the best. Some people become too aware of our circumstances to the point they obsess over it. The result is a self-destructive resignation to the forces of old and evil. Complacency on another extreme.
I am still afraid. More so for others than myself on part of the very real possibility that bad things will come for people I care about. To all the anti-doomers who think everything's dandy because you aren't paying attention, fuck right off.
Where does this leave us? Returning to New Year's, I expressed a need for connection. You hear it from the lefties a lot in response to the current administration: collectivism, community, connecting with your neighbors. I love it! It's grassroots activism at its heart. People taking care of and advocating for people. So unless I keep the mask on when I log off, there isn't much community for a young degenerate like me. I would never join an organization that would accept me as a member! Like I said, everyone has their indulgences. That's the kind of bridge I can build. Not pretty, but it's something. Which reminds me...
Been tuning into Jregs' videos recently. His uploads about community and art couldn't have appeared at a better time. I don't know all the nuances about his content because internet political theory is not something that interests me but I'm listening to what he has to say-assuming he's not being ironic. Often the two themes intersect, art becoming a medium for connectivity. He has touched on the subject of making art for yourself vs. others and my takeaway is that you should always be your authentic self and never should you hide it. Because if you hide it, you isolate. Never again. You don't know who's in your audience but when you get your balls up and put yourself out there, you are giving people the choice to take it or leave it. That's all you should ask of them, take it or leave it! Not everyone will stay but those who do, they are your people.
To get on with it, I wanna admit that I'm burnt out on hopelessness. Even in an ironic sort of way, there's no longevity in putting a timer on the world. For now I'm gonna cultivate that protocol that bounces between lilac and blues and magentas all in my mind. I have no room in my heart for desperation. For those who follow and will be there to see my art grow and projects develop, welcome aboard. I want to see what you're doing, too.
_Final thought: There was a time I lingered with another bout of depression. I started to come out of it when I remembered a small moment from the Dark Souls cinematic, that part when the Witch Izalith holds the lord soul like a little flame in her hands. Another thing to remember is that you can help yourself by not taking life too seriously. There's a line from a prager u YTP i quote frequently: Life is rough, life is tough, penis prager has had enough
-Errant out