_Intro:

Saw no need to turn this into an entry for Screaming into the Ether, instead it's more fit to write as a casual update on the state of things. Spoke with my therapist today and he spoke to me about how the root cause of my personal issues comes from an internal source. The connection issues, irritability, the fear, it all starts with me. I think that on some fundamental level I am the root cause for my own problems and I personally put the some of the blame on autism.

_Being Acoustic and Guitarded:

One of my all time flaws has been difficulty connecting with others and that's my main issue with having a spectrum disorder. Speech, social cues, both are two critical aspects of communication I struggle with and the result was a lot of hardship with fitting in. I'm not the type of person who sits down with a group for lunch or drinks and work on a class project. As nice as that would be, I don't see myself existing in that kind of habitat and I accept that.

_On Lexine:

She was always written to be the rogue, the lonesome drifter. That's how she started in my New Vegas play-through. I went out for a walk whilst dwelling on that debate I have with myself-more of a conundrum, really-and being one of my characters, Lexine helped walk me through it. As of late I'd been tailoring my stories and my characters to draw in more of a specific audience-more masking through art.

Whereas isolation is a slow-death, inauthentic connection is death by a thousand cuts. Doing that with my art would've harmed me in a whole new way and with that in mind, isolation is preferable for the time being. I'll hang onto that for as long as I need to.

So where does Miss Lexine fit into that internal dilemma? Well, she's the rogue. I see her personified by the lone she-wolf, Lex doesn't need to fit any mold just to be accepted by a sensible audience and in more ways than one I want her to embody some kind of gonzo archetype, like something out of a Hunter S. Thompson story. Weird, chaotic, extraordinary. Or is that more Bukowski? Maybe Bukowski without the depression. There's always been the underbelly of society, the kind that our parents want to shield us from and I want Lexine to embody the obscene mysticism of the world's outcasts and derelicts. Sensibility need not apply.

_Whiskey in the Jar:

Last night I lamented not having the chaotic energy of the Raoul Duke character, that I'm far too sheltered and imperceptive to be a part of that wild, derelict scene of American outcasts and rogues. To be honest, it's my weakness that I crave some kind of safety net, a support network to keep me tethered so that I don't fall too far. Being that way, I began to crave fantasies of some unforeseen event that would disrupt that shelter and I'd be propelled out into the wider world, a man of my own devices.

I remember the stories my older brother told me of his experience moving out. If it wasn't that huge party he threw in my parents' house it was certainly the day he dropped out of college and was sent to live with my uncle, work in his tire shop. I wish I understood that man's ability to reach people because that's his greatest edge in survival. When he was homeless, when he was without my parents' support. But he'd never encourage that life path for me or my little brother, far from it. Stay in school, get a job with benefits-that's his lesson for us.

Then why does that message go unrecognized sometimes? Maybe the rogue life isn't for me until it becomes absolute necessity. That lifestyle of the gonzo journalist ingratiating themselves in the world's underbelly of odd faces, weirder stories. 24 years of shelter, security, has numbed that ability to survive the reckless and wild even though I envy it.

My brother discourages that life-as does my mother-because they believe it's paramount to avoid a life full of unnecessary suffering-even if that means compromising your wanderlust for a supportive job that provides no emotional fulfillment.

Have you seen the movie Captain Fantastic? It stars Viggo Mortensen as the counter-cultural patriarch of a family who lives in the woods, isolated from society. He does a great job of educating them, keeping them fit and healthy; despite their unabomber-esque living situation. I saw it with my mother and she commented there's a level of non-conformity that becomes insane and the movie seemed to agree with her. Viggo's radical lifestyle isn't what he needed for his children. It even held them back in a variety of ways despite his guiding presence in their upbringing. What was the answer by the movie's denouement? Balance of some sort, he didn't need to pick up a suit and tie just to make it work for his children, but he still found a way to make ends meet, let them be a part of the modern world without compromising their independence.

I for one can't see how that balance is sustainable.

_What's Next?:

Work continues as usual. I have short-stories I want to write and art principles I need to learn. Connection can wait. Community-building, making friends, I don't think that was ever an option for me on account of the autism. I'm not even likeable either without masking so what good will it do me to behave inauthentically? Of course, that level of isolation doesn't have to dictate withdrawal-no, it was withdrawal that hurt me, not the isolation. Get out there in the world, make something of yourself, but don't let the bastards grind you down.

What would Lexine make of that? Well, if we're staying true to her character one of the most liberating things you can be is on your own, for better or worse. Does that mean total isolation? Of course not, I still love my girlfriend and agree to hang out with an old high school buddy and I think they're all I need. But the pursuit of connection is not worth it if it means adopting a falsified sense of self.

No one reads these anyway, even the smiley face guy hasn't shown up.

Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da

-Errant Out