_Intro:

After trying to buy a pack of Strongbow, I learned that I had been driving with an expired license for the better part of two weeks. Furthermore, still haven't paid my taxes because that shit's for nerds. And I have been putting off going to the doctor's for nearly three months. My point is, there's a lot of Kafka-esque BS that the modern world demands of people, all the waiting in lines, paperwork, and other institutions designed to waste your time. And if time is still a precious resource, I have to tell myself that I'll get around to those things eventually.

What more could I ask of in this life than sitting down at my favorite third place to do some writing? Another thing is that I've been reflecting on how the autism had made it difficult to form connections, more I less I had to just let relationships fall in to place magic conch-style because talking to people is just a wavelength I can't tune into. Maybe on a superficial level I can vibe with simple conversation, pick a topic of mutual interest, and let it roll from there. But for the communities and groups that have already had time to develop on their own and then approach them as an outsider looking in? No no nope, that don't work for me.

What I learned about animals is that status is determined by who has to leave their home group in search of another one. You know why female chimps hold lower status in the troop? It's because they're expected to leave what they grew up with to find another colony or whatever. Same thing with whales and elephants where males hold lower status-they have to leave and find another pod, family, so be it and keep a healthy gene pool.

_On Avoidance:

According to the science, Pathological Demand Avoidance is a characteristic of autistic people, a response to demands placed on us by others (especially authority figures) that are registered as a threat to our autonomy. Pay your taxes, renew your license, wait in an office for three hours so I can tell you about your shot records. I just wanna write for god's sake. This is especially true if it's a situation that disrupts our routines, risks sensory overload-boy, that one's familiar-and all in all it's a defense mechanism. We're trying to prevent an anxiety spike, not act like a dickhead for the sake of it; but I think refusing to pay taxes in this day and age feels more like a virtue. The beast can't trample us if we starve it of our dollars.

_What does that mean for skill-building?:

If we're talking about pathological avoidance, then yeah, I can see how that disrupts the routine. It feels safe to go with the flow, let the water stay clear even if it means staying mediocre. When PDA is factored in, skill-building and the like needs a little bit more willful effort on the part of autistic people. That's my educated guess, though. I don't have some CEP degree or whatever.

So! We've identified a key part of the problem and now the battle's already closer to victory. I always felt like there was some biological constraint hindering my goals and it turns out that there was. But now I have a name for it instead of some fixed-mindset, abstract feeling of inadequacy. Pathological Demand Avoidance, whether it's a demand from the self or external forces, I don't want my routine to be disrupted-and I've had a lot of time to build an unproductive routine for myself.

_Solutions:

Identifying the challenge makes it easier to overcome because now I can start internalizing solutions. Instead of misascribing the problem of artistic stagnation, I can be aware that it is in fact PDA holding me back. With this realization, I can apply the correct tools this time instead of just do it. Because what I've learned is that the process of learning a skill demands more than just showing up, it asks for discipline, consistency, and self-reflection, things even neuro-typicals struggle with.

After some quick research, a few solutions for PDA include but are not limited to:

[00] Recognize that PDA is a list of personality characteristics one deploys as a barrier against negative stimuli, particularly tasks or demands that risk overstimulation.

[01] Adjust your mindset to remove the authoritative connotations from the demand itself. My example would be to deflate the task in mind (mine being license renewal) and approach it with whatever control you have over the situation. I can bring a book or something to the MVD.

[02] Pace yourself because it's a marathon and not a race. Go for volume instead of intensity. All the while, be patient with yourself and accept that you're in for the long haul without any quick answers. But showing up for yourself each day is more than most people do anyway.

[03] Acknowledging that you showed up and did the work is its own reward but it never hurt either to kick back with some downtime after an arduous task. Positive reinforcement does better for your longevity than constantly berating yourself for mistakes.

That's all I got for now but I hope it helps, whoever you are.

_Gripes:

Now that I think about it, I never really internalized autism as a condition that actively affected me. More or less I just blamed it for my awkward social interactions but after looking into PDA and the talks with my mom, being on the spectrum had affected me more than I originally gave credit for which means...it will also affect people's perception of me.

Despite the present awareness, an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is still heavily stigmatized. Too often it's used as a weapon against someone for odd behavior and misrepresented by the media. It's used as an excuse for someone's shitty behavior such as the world's richest man-child's nazi salute-and yes, it was a nazi salute. Furthermore, autism is one of those things people misconstrue as LOL I'm so random! Autism makes me quirky!, this is true of the same neurotypicals who will weaponize the label of having an ASD.

_So where do we go from here?:

Oh where am I to go, M'Johnnies oh where am I to go!

Work continues as usual but now I got a different set of circumstances to work with following this realization about myself that I put off until recently. I think I was mostly in denial and didn't want to even consider an ASD as a major factor in my routine, but stuff I read about pathological demand avoidance kept making way too much sense.

Personally it's disheartening to acknowledge that learning is going to be more of an uphill battle but the only way out is forward. Writing and drawing have been the two biggest items on my plate but I'm reminded of when I first started drawing again since I was in elementary school. I started with step-by-steps, challenged my own perceptions because drawing is based on how you process visual information, and soon it just became a part of my skillset regardless of talent. I did the same with leathersmithing during covid. My girlfriend got me into Monster Hunter, fell in love with the crafting system, and said I can figure this out.

Visualization, that's how I learned leathersmithing. Then some trial and error, some experimentation, and I feel more confident in my ability to make something like a phone pouch. In fact, I think I will make a new carrying case for the RPG travel kit. All I got is tool leather so once I draft a new template I'll hit up a Michael's or leather shop for material.

-Errant out