_Intro:
I don't have the capacity to be liked. I don't have the capacity to be accepted. last night I made the realization that connection maybe isn't for me, that I'm not really destined for the community I sought this year. Tough but them's the rules. Not sure how to describe without revealing too many details but I think it's a product of existing in a middle ground for the past 20 years. That's where the isolation came from, I wanted to keep myself safe, sane (and consensual lol), because I didn't have the software to mesh with other people my age.
To say it is what it is feels like a cop out, a deliberate ignorance to the reality that I'm not good at making friends, being part of something bigger. I suppose that was the whole point, starting in high school, and I just forgot about it. Moving forward means being content with isolation, maybe even being left behind.
_On Isolation:
No one will ever read these. To say that proves my point sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy but it's true, I'm just screaming into the ether here. Always it's been the case of I'm too this to be that and too that to be this. Art has a way of helping me come to that conclusion-art that others have made. As much as it would be nice to belong to something greater, that life isn't for me. That is, at least, how it looks on the spiritual side of things.
_Spirituality:
It'd be fun to believe there's something more than this, some grand design that pulls meaning together, creates an afterlife. Without taking a dip into nihilism, it looks like the universe is little more than chaos. Not meaninglessness, just chaos. However you find meaning in it is up to you.
Spiritual thinking lays down the ground work for healthy living, like when you use sand to give your tires enough traction to get out of a mud pit. But I also have to contend with the fact that it's often an unjust, uncaring reality, and we have to make do within it. If it helps, don't dawdle with that thought lest it consumes you. Depression is a surefire route to unhealthy inactivity.
_On Connection:
There is nothing I can produce that the world would value. Living in pursuit of validation leads to mistakes such as inauthenticity. I can mask, sure, but I don't think the real me would be welcomed into any group or community for a variety of reasons, most of which I can't control. It's some consolation that it's not really about me, that people have their own baggage to deal with and that may come out as scorn. But it hurts all the same and I'm left in the same place-isolation.
No one will read this, thoughts will go unheard, and that's the situation moving forward.
_Where to go from here:
Business as usual I presume but it'll do me some favors to stay out of my head a lot. Another thing is to lose the idea that I can use my art to connect with others. It isn't happening. The place to go from here is to muster my own power, my own mental faculties, and move on. It was a nice experiment while it lasted. Strange, though. It feels like since birth I'd never get that recognition that I could belong somewhere. But I don't really have a choice in the matter.
Instead of wallowing I can pick up my projects with-how should I say it?-revised enthusiasm, because there is no creating for anyone but myself at this point. It's time to take the power back.
_Closing Thoughts:
I'm pretty sure I got everything. With delusions of community and acceptance doused, I'm free to move anywhere-spiritually at least, there's still a lot of I's to dot and T's to cross. Project: Four Titles is going back to it's roots in game development-a long and painful road that one's gonna be. Que sera, sera or something like that.
-Errant out