_Realistic thinking is what's going to save me in this day and age. I don't know if it's maturity or what, something clicked in my brain and now I feel more present as a result. Escapism has been my MO for a good while now but finding ways to support myself has become the most important goal to set my sights on. I used to think politics were important, I thought the same of doing whatever I could to tune out, lately I've just been feeling more aware. It's not the usual hyper-awareness rather it feels like coming out of being a lotus eater. A lot of factors tie into this shift, I won't get into them, instead I'll just say what comes next.
On the topic of politics—which is a really dry subject—it's important for me to realize how much this has been affecting my mental state. Growing up and assuming a whole new level of responsibility has been inevitable, it's just been harder with the economy being what it is. I used to use politics as an excuse to never grow up. What difference would it make if it's all fucked in the end? And with that line of reasoning I never facilitated change. There's a lot of emotions going around concerning the current administration. Donald Trump is a businessman first and foremost. He is playing 4d chess but not in the interest of the American people. Him and Musk give me a new idea about how everyone operates, though.
Everyone sees what they want to believe...
Take the cybertruck for instance—it's a piece of shit, you can't argue otherwise. But the marketing and maybe even influence from Musk have convinced enough people to buy it. Why? Wishful thinking of course. What else does a businessman do besides convince people they're getting what they want and then some? That's advertisement. That's barter. You can't argue with me on that. And the funniest part is that people will never learn. With that being said it's important to recognize the ultimate trapping of the realist thinker and that's the easy slide into becoming a lame cynic, someone who thinks they're too learned, too refined for the world. I was that person, that's how I know. I would say that's how the modern redditor behaves but they've got their own reactionary quagmire to root in. Having a hair-trigger to everything you feel goes wrong in the world without doing anything meaningful creates a nasty type of lotus eater.
There is light in the darkness, however. And I am quoting Joshua Graham because that line speaks to everything I'm trying to adopt. Not a religious person myself but I take good advice where I can find it. That's what stories do, they influence people and that's part of why it's humanity's most universal tradition. I mainly use creative writing for escapism and self-indulgence and I still do. When I look back on my inactivity as a writer I place the blame on trying to have too much control over my story. There're two different schools of writing: the gardener and the architect. But what about a chef? I never heard anything about a chef writer who treats their story like it's a recipe. Get the right ingredients, tools, cook it to perfection. You take the moon and you take the sun, you take everything that seems like fun...
That is my light in the darkness. One of them, thankfully. There's still someone to be grateful for during these uncertain times. I wish current events were cool enough to say dangerous days, get on the cover of a Perturbator album, but that's irrelevant.
I still have to worry about what I'm going to do financially and without mulling about I have faith in my plan so far. Find a job for the meantime (doesn't have to be my dream career), go back to school in the Fall, see about how to become a heavy-equipment operator, maybe get some certs, and see about finishing up my Bachelor's Degrees. Will this plan unfold as I intend? Not likely. Never does. But it's just like jazz, you gotta think it as you play.
My only regret is never starting sooner...
—Errant out