_Intro: I wish the Fightback was as simple as hanging onto this gung-ho energy the entire time. And while that’s true for most of it I can honestly say that I got thrown off my rhythm today. Still reeling back from not getting any sleep last night and anxiety is keeping me restless. Writing puts me at ease and I see it as a good way to end the night.

Didn’t have a chance to do much drawing today but I still got a couple of pages written at least. After working on the draft this morning I got a chance to see my girlfriend for some lunch. Seeing her reminded me that I need to be better about taking care of myself because I’m not the only one in this story right now. It isn’t a matter of whether or not I can depend on her (I can) but she has her own struggles that I can’t solve for her, I can only help from a support role sometimes. She has her own Fightback to deal with and I don’t want to be a burden on her. It’s the same thing with my situation where the ball is in my court and I have to be accountable about moving it while accepting help from my support network. In that sense no one’s an island but I still have to be my own lifeline when it comes to it. I want to reaffirm that I’m not alone in this situation but sometimes it’s like the second to last mission of Halo: Reach.

You’re on your own, Noble. Carter out.

I suppose that’s the rule of the game. Right now my living situation feels disheveled and I have to move into an empty room in the house because my bedroom gets swarmed with ants every summer. Annoying but not game-ending. What really bothers me though is that my cousin moved back in with us. The stipulation was that he’d be gone after graduation and now his truck is taking up half the fucking driveway again because he can’t think of anyone but himself! I can talk shit on this kid until GTA 6 comes out but suffice to say there is no positive feeling I have towards him. He smells, he skulks, he lives in his own nest of filth because his parents never taught him better. His being here makes being home really uncomfortable, like sharing a motel room with a stranger.

This isn’t the first time I’ve lamented being a tenant in this house and an old therapist of mine tried to tell me it’s only a transitional period, a waystation of sorts. I think this could truly be the last stop before I attain independence. Like most of my generation I still live with a parent and I guess it’s cooler for a young man to say he lives with his dad than his mom. Make of that what you will. But putting aside everything I want from myself as a creative I’m still in part intimidated by being out there in the world.

Such fears only hinder the Fightback and letting them mull about serves to breed an avoidance towards personal growth on a subconscious level. Moving forward means suppressing this fear quickly. I have no intention of returning to unskilled labor and will continue looking for apprenticeships that the state offers. I think being a heavy-equipment operator is a great way to start some real work before getting a degree in water technology. All this contemplation made me realize that if you want to make someone truly happy you don’t add on to their wealth, you have to subtract from their worries. And putting it bluntly I am very fucking worried.

Those feelings won’t go away easily, though. If I had better planned my day I could’ve gotten to the gym before closing and been able to maintain this spiritual momentum I started with. C’est la vie, trial and error, let’s try again tomorrow. It’s not like the Fightback was gonna be a perfect slope upwards. Even after some revision my goals remain threefold:

[01] Financial Independence: I do not want to be thirty and living in someone else’s house let alone with that fucking goblin. Even though it’s a given that my generation is missing important milestones I cannot afford anything less than to achieve the Five Expectations my parents have of me.

01.1: I need a home

01.2: I need stable income

01.3: I need food security

01.4: I need a vehicle that runs

01.5: I need insurance for when a tragedy does happen

None of this comes easily to someone making minimum wage for unskilled labor and I am out of time.

[02] Establish Myself As An Artist: It means a lot to me to create, to tell stories, even have them influence people in the same way Firefly or Dead Space has influenced me. But a lot of soft-talk and unaccountability has slowed my roll. I can put out a figure drawing in a couple of sessions but I’m nowhere near the level of artists that I’ve come to admire. Even my writing (which comes to me easier than drawing) is hindered by similar problems.

I have a lot of workshops. Tools and such that I’ve accumulated over the years for any number of creative projects and while I won’t be getting rid of them, it’s true what they say that the things you own end up owning you. Clutter really dampens personal growth.

Despite my progress I am still very much a beginner in the grand scheme of things. Similarly to the development track of Project: “Four Titles”, writing and drawing will not get anywhere without serious learning and discipline.

[03] Continuing Education: I left my job in waste management halfway through January after about four months of working there. During that time I became good friends with one of the other attendants. By the time I put in my resignation I came down sick with COVID again (happens every January) and never had a chance for a proper good bye. I told him the situation over text and we went right into a phone call after that. He understood my decision, sounded very supportive, but he also told me to never stop going to school which was my reason for leaving. I want to get another 2-year degree in something that pays better and with much less risk to my health.

Growing up I learned that there are going to be challenges that don’t have an easy answer. Part of me dreads that but to entertain those fears is to operate counter-intuitively to the Fightback.

Once I get another 2-year degree I’ll get a job then go to school online to finish up those two Bachelor Degrees I got waiting for me. English and Theater. Not really the most lucrative of professions but I can see myself working with likeminded creatives. Pursuing blue-collar work is a strategic decision, not my life’s dream.

_Where I’m At Now: The unfortunate return of my cousin reminded me that this is not a place where I am supposed to be. I used to think there was something wrong with me, something that malformed and lead me to this point in life far behind my peers. Right now I can chalk it up to the fact that I had spent most of my life being avoidant of reality. Mostly it came in the form of maladaptive daydreaming, entertaining skull chatter. It got me no where in the end. My actions going forward will determine if this truly is just a transitional period or what the next 10 years will look like. I have to be honest, it’s unsettling during the times I have to confront these situations alone, especially since I have a history of not exercising my best judgement.

I think I will move forward with an idea I had to turn these entries into video logs. Something like a narration over video game footage. That way I can start making content for YouTube, reach a larger audience who’d prefer to listen than to read, and save my Newgrounds profile from becoming cluttered with all these personal reflections.

_One More Thing On The Fightback: I expected it to be a lot of yang energy the whole journey long. While it started that way today made me realize I need to balance my mindset. Not every day is going to ask for the same solution. Sometimes yin, others yang. Buddhism and shit.

There are a thousand different scenarios that could shoot my plane from the sky but I realize that most of them exist in the realm of negative fantasizing; another kind of thought that leads to lotus eating.

Moving forwards means staying present, staying intentional, and trusting my intuition when it comes to it. I wish had something profound to end on but it’s getting late and I think my cat is scratching at the front door again.

You’re on your own, Noble. Errant out.