_Fucking cat woke me up: I don't know what his problem is but he's gotta a habit of waking me up at 4 or 6 in the morning to feed him again and if his bowl's full, he'll want me to watch him eat. Or it's full and he just stares at me like an asshole. He meows at his food expecting me to figure out whatever's wrong with it. What do you see that I don't you four-legged freeloader?

Needless to say, the state of my head has not improved, I'm somewhere between tired and hungover without having touched a drop all week. Dammit. Where does this leave us? If I did some reflecting on the spiritual musings from last night, I'd say that the past makes for a good starting point that we have to remind ourselves of. Sometimes we outgrow what makes us nostalgic, other times we adapt it to fit our new position in life.

_There's a serenity to the desert: I've been to the Mojave, the Chihuahuan, and Sonoran deserts and they're strangely peaceful at the right time of day. I think it's that ability to see the horizon, it lends to a spiritual farsightedness not afforded to forest and city dwellers. Of course, I can't make apologies for the heat-or the drought. But in those few hours of the early morning, and if there's a windchill, it makes living in the southwest worthwhile despite the lack of opportunity here.

I think I can do myself a favor when I stop trying to bottle those visceral emotions of hope and longing. They can't be assigned words because doing so takes out the magic if that's the word. Instead I'll use them as a guide. An exercise in letting go like I was talking about last night. That, I feel, can be captured in writing.

So while I'm still talking about spiritual awareness, it felt better for me to sit down somewhere to do some writing; the MVD can wait. I didn't intend for it to pan out this way but while I lacked the skills necessary to follow through on my big ideas, I needed a platform to get something out in the world. Could've assumed another identity, used another account, but for some reason I used this one. Shoulda, coulda, woulda but here we are. Now it's become a platform for my tell-all.

It'll do your spirit no favors to think back on a past decision with the intent to correct it, hoping to alter the direction of your momentum. No, let's play the ball as it lies.

_I don't like working: No one does but it's a requirement in this day and age. Still haven't found something to replace my old job at the transfer station so now I'm just coasting by on part-time, making what I can with my freed schedule until I'm ready to go back to school. There's something I resent wholeheartedly about the 40 hour work week, really you're working ten hours a day if you factor in the time you spend getting ready for work, commuting, and the break and lunch you have to spend at your job-at the transfer station we got 30 minutes for lunch. And what's it for? Every year it gets harder to live, prices only increase while wages stagnate, big-tech companies threaten more of our independence, dignity, and privacy and they'll weasel their way through any loop hole.

I remember why I wanted to live off-grid in the first place. I wanted to get away from the dullness of modernity if it meant securing a little peace of mind. Really I just wanted enough money to get out of the game, live a go-lucky life where I'm free to create what I want and not have to answer to any higher-ups. But therein lies the problem. No one is trying to fix the problem that warrants those impulses for escapism, we're all looking for an out. I suppose that's the weakness in American society, that disconnection so we look towards throwing others under the bus if it means we can't be bothered.

Then look at the bigger picture and it seems everything is built on dehumanizing one another. Highways, suburbs, office buildings. It's a spiritual drought. So where in this world do we find a way to revitalize our spirit? I like to think my work could one day embody the erotic and fetishistic-that was the initial intent. But that's only one room in the house because I also crave freedom. Those late night drives to hit up a gas station for snacks, Lethal Company with friends, cheeseburgers and Van Halen. How do we sustain ourselves that way in today's society? Not impossible, certainly, but more difficult as a result of socioeconomic institutions, the ones that declare the highest goal attainable is the pursuit of material wealth just for the sake of it. We're all in a race to see who can get out of it the fastest and the reward we might be promised is rest, freedom, or a little peace of mind. Funnily enough, the trick is that you can't win the race by running it. No, that's a fallacy.

The only way to win is to stop playing their game. I used to think that doing so meant some kind of ballistic action but we didn't need that. The answer lies in soft-power, starving the beast. Just like the High-Water Mark, our energy will simply prevail.

_So where does that leave us?: I've let go of the pursuit of any big material goals. Big houses, big boats, big bank accounts, it's not for me as nice as those things would be to have. All the pieces will have to go back in the box someday and I'd rather not spend a lot of time attached to objects.

No, art and quality time. That's good enough for me.

-Errant out

_Intro:

Head's spinning so a quick entry before bed. I got in touch with some people I haven't spoken to in a while, familiar voices and the like bringing me back to more...idealistic times? Yeah, back when the world was less convoluted and I didn't have to think as much. But judging the timeline between then and now gives me an opportunity to reflect on personal changes. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of how we made our decisions in the first place and when you look at it, every little thing brought you to this point. As I like to tell myself, every bad idea was once good and knowing which is the other lies in experience.

_On old ideals:

If old ideals were that viable then personal change wouldn't have been necessary, right? I like to think so at least. There's still a little bit of that optimism, that desire to feel like a part of something. I remember what it was like, those years in the late 2010s, everything seemed possible back then. The days before insecurity, anxiety. Life made sense.

Vague platitudes, I know. And those few phrases mean many different things to many different people but we all must feel that way in some form or another. But what are the old ideals? I guess it's more of a sentiment really. We outgrow some things if they no longer serve us or we either adapt them. I just found the word-nostalgia, pure and simple. I think I've said it before but growing up means being more aware for better or worse. You look at things more analytically and less fantastically-at least in my case that's true.

The world right now feels like a spiritual dead end and in the same way you have to be more independent as an adult, the same is true of less material things like your spirituality. You don't have to buy a bunch of crystals and read into astrology just to be aware of your own spiritual state. That night with my girlfriend, eating cheeseburgers and listening to Van Halen over my truck's stereo-that did more for my soul than any amount of time I had spent in a church.

_On the spirit:

There is an immaterial way in which we have to sustain ourselves. Most people don't know how and so they follow trends like the ikea nesting instinct. The worst examples glue themselves to streaming services, relentlessly watching the news like their homegrown version of the two minutes hate. That's the type of spirit that becomes submissive to the potency of the reptile brain, politicians are masterful at orchestrating the baser instincts of voters. I know this because it's happened to me.

I can't define it with specific words and it would be futile to try. Everyone's different in whatever old ideals they lament losing whether it's a dream they had or some perception of the world that felt more hospitable. But there's ways of returning to that headspace, some ritual or another. Everyday I go to a coffee shop, sit with my laptop and make progress on a goal. That's what I've been doing to help myself.

But what I've come to learn is that you have to let go of that sense of control. Adulthood means being more in control of your own survival then we try to control the circumstances that fulfill us spiritually but that's a paradox. For hundreds, maybe even a thousand years, humans have known that the path to enlightenment starts with letting go and I see this as equally true when you admit that you are not your ego, just an observer of it. Simple, right?

_Where to go from here:

The feeling, the optimism, it was never lost. We just forget. That'll be something to meditate on, our original headspace that pushed us to make the decisions we did, follow these goals but now with more experience. I don't know if this is gonna reach anyone. Better to treat this as some kind of online diary, I'm tired anyway.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the MVD, getting an oil change, and seeing what kind of meal I can cook all the way out in the desert. Getting in touch with old friends brought me back to the headspace the modern world tried to purge, I can't even put it into words. But you know what it means for you, whatever gives you hope, inspiration, a bunch of pinterest words. Misery doesn't have to be the default.

-Errant out

_Intro:

After trying to buy a pack of Strongbow, I learned that I had been driving with an expired license for the better part of two weeks. Furthermore, still haven't paid my taxes because that shit's for nerds. And I have been putting off going to the doctor's for nearly three months. My point is, there's a lot of Kafka-esque BS that the modern world demands of people, all the waiting in lines, paperwork, and other institutions designed to waste your time. And if time is still a precious resource, I have to tell myself that I'll get around to those things eventually.

What more could I ask of in this life than sitting down at my favorite third place to do some writing? Another thing is that I've been reflecting on how the autism had made it difficult to form connections, more I less I had to just let relationships fall in to place magic conch-style because talking to people is just a wavelength I can't tune into. Maybe on a superficial level I can vibe with simple conversation, pick a topic of mutual interest, and let it roll from there. But for the communities and groups that have already had time to develop on their own and then approach them as an outsider looking in? No no nope, that don't work for me.

What I learned about animals is that status is determined by who has to leave their home group in search of another one. You know why female chimps hold lower status in the troop? It's because they're expected to leave what they grew up with to find another colony or whatever. Same thing with whales and elephants where males hold lower status-they have to leave and find another pod, family, so be it and keep a healthy gene pool.

_On Avoidance:

According to the science, Pathological Demand Avoidance is a characteristic of autistic people, a response to demands placed on us by others (especially authority figures) that are registered as a threat to our autonomy. Pay your taxes, renew your license, wait in an office for three hours so I can tell you about your shot records. I just wanna write for god's sake. This is especially true if it's a situation that disrupts our routines, risks sensory overload-boy, that one's familiar-and all in all it's a defense mechanism. We're trying to prevent an anxiety spike, not act like a dickhead for the sake of it; but I think refusing to pay taxes in this day and age feels more like a virtue. The beast can't trample us if we starve it of our dollars.

_What does that mean for skill-building?:

If we're talking about pathological avoidance, then yeah, I can see how that disrupts the routine. It feels safe to go with the flow, let the water stay clear even if it means staying mediocre. When PDA is factored in, skill-building and the like needs a little bit more willful effort on the part of autistic people. That's my educated guess, though. I don't have some CEP degree or whatever.

So! We've identified a key part of the problem and now the battle's already closer to victory. I always felt like there was some biological constraint hindering my goals and it turns out that there was. But now I have a name for it instead of some fixed-mindset, abstract feeling of inadequacy. Pathological Demand Avoidance, whether it's a demand from the self or external forces, I don't want my routine to be disrupted-and I've had a lot of time to build an unproductive routine for myself.

_Solutions:

Identifying the challenge makes it easier to overcome because now I can start internalizing solutions. Instead of misascribing the problem of artistic stagnation, I can be aware that it is in fact PDA holding me back. With this realization, I can apply the correct tools this time instead of just do it. Because what I've learned is that the process of learning a skill demands more than just showing up, it asks for discipline, consistency, and self-reflection, things even neuro-typicals struggle with.

After some quick research, a few solutions for PDA include but are not limited to:

[00] Recognize that PDA is a list of personality characteristics one deploys as a barrier against negative stimuli, particularly tasks or demands that risk overstimulation.

[01] Adjust your mindset to remove the authoritative connotations from the demand itself. My example would be to deflate the task in mind (mine being license renewal) and approach it with whatever control you have over the situation. I can bring a book or something to the MVD.

[02] Pace yourself because it's a marathon and not a race. Go for volume instead of intensity. All the while, be patient with yourself and accept that you're in for the long haul without any quick answers. But showing up for yourself each day is more than most people do anyway.

[03] Acknowledging that you showed up and did the work is its own reward but it never hurt either to kick back with some downtime after an arduous task. Positive reinforcement does better for your longevity than constantly berating yourself for mistakes.

That's all I got for now but I hope it helps, whoever you are.

_Gripes:

Now that I think about it, I never really internalized autism as a condition that actively affected me. More or less I just blamed it for my awkward social interactions but after looking into PDA and the talks with my mom, being on the spectrum had affected me more than I originally gave credit for which means...it will also affect people's perception of me.

Despite the present awareness, an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is still heavily stigmatized. Too often it's used as a weapon against someone for odd behavior and misrepresented by the media. It's used as an excuse for someone's shitty behavior such as the world's richest man-child's nazi salute-and yes, it was a nazi salute. Furthermore, autism is one of those things people misconstrue as LOL I'm so random! Autism makes me quirky!, this is true of the same neurotypicals who will weaponize the label of having an ASD.

_So where do we go from here?:

Oh where am I to go, M'Johnnies oh where am I to go!

Work continues as usual but now I got a different set of circumstances to work with following this realization about myself that I put off until recently. I think I was mostly in denial and didn't want to even consider an ASD as a major factor in my routine, but stuff I read about pathological demand avoidance kept making way too much sense.

Personally it's disheartening to acknowledge that learning is going to be more of an uphill battle but the only way out is forward. Writing and drawing have been the two biggest items on my plate but I'm reminded of when I first started drawing again since I was in elementary school. I started with step-by-steps, challenged my own perceptions because drawing is based on how you process visual information, and soon it just became a part of my skillset regardless of talent. I did the same with leathersmithing during covid. My girlfriend got me into Monster Hunter, fell in love with the crafting system, and said I can figure this out.

Visualization, that's how I learned leathersmithing. Then some trial and error, some experimentation, and I feel more confident in my ability to make something like a phone pouch. In fact, I think I will make a new carrying case for the RPG travel kit. All I got is tool leather so once I draft a new template I'll hit up a Michael's or leather shop for material.

-Errant out

_Intro:

I had a dream last night that a flying saucer hovered in place over my neighborhood. It's silver body lit up like Cerenkov radiation that beamed a signal directly into my bed room, through my window, even though I closed the blinds the night prior. A buzzing filled my skull that held like a long, low marimba note. I felt parts of my brain moving around like one of those sliding-image puzzles as if the the beam of energy was transformational-somehow. I'm reminded of my few experiences dabbling with mushrooms, lemon drops, even though I've been straight for over a year.

Even now I feel the residual vibrations in my cranium, like the aftermath of a bumpy car-ride over an unpaved road. I want to believe the signal was transformational somehow, as if all my previous mental barriers had been rearranged, the synapses reset. If I could, I would thank the aliens for the improvement because now I no longer have the same feelings of self-doubt that were present yesterday.

_What The Science Says:

I'm no neurology expert but the most likely explanation is some kind of intense, hypnagogic experience not too dissimilar to that of a seizure. For about a month I've been training my brain for lucid dreaming and I think this marks a stepping stone in the journey, because one thing I know for certain is that the dream felt very real. Most likely it was some spike in brain activity that was deciphered as an alien encounter but I'm still hopeful for the transformational aspect of it.

Nothing seemed off about my sleep hygiene. At least not enough to warrant medical concern. My uncle was once abducted by aliens, him and his wife while they were staying the night on their houseboat. My grandma told me that story, said my uncle and his wife woke up with a strange piece of metal logged in their noses. Hehe.

_What to take away from this:

If the transformational side of it is to believed, I think the biggest barrier to improvement was the internalized belief that it was impossible. An involuntary fixed-mindset. What that dream means to me is that subconsciously I truly wanted to improve but doing so meant cleaning house. If the brain works primarily on electrical impulse, then it stands to reason that high activity would feel like some kind of buzz along with auditory hallucinations. But can the brain rewire itself overnight?

Perhaps not in the way we think but I believe that sleep is the brain's way of "defragging" itself. Move the furniture around, ya now? And if you're rearranging the decor, may as well throw out the junk that no longer fits your design motif. Good opportunity to downsize on self-doubt, right?

So let's run with it. I looked at some videos from Draw Like a Sir on improving art skills but from what I seen, improving art is not only about improving hand-eye coordination but more so updating your visual understanding. Artists see the world differently, they look at something like a hospital and their brain takes it apart into shapes, weighs proportions, perspectives and shit. When people say they can't draw, it's not that they can't but what they're missing is the understanding. Learning a skill is like modding a game, you're just uploading a new script for your .exe to work with. At least that's how I think it goes-I'm not a fucking programmer...yet.

_On Fixed Mindsets and Brain-Modding:

I like that analogy-brain modding. Changing the way you break down visual information should be no different than a UI overhaul for New Vegas. Just changing the way you process shit, right? Same logic should apply for any skill. Someone who says, "That skill ain't for me," or "I just can't", may as well be saying, "I'm fine with the vanilla game". I used to think programming was impossible until I got PyCharm to say 'Hello World'. Sure, maybe you're gonna pick something up quicker than other skills depending on your interests. There was a time I thought the ability to take down an AR-15 for cleaning was magic. Until I did it myself-the guys at the gun shop were really helpful.

Self-doubt is a curse put on you by yourself or another. But it's a cure that can be removed. All it took for me was an alien spaceship and some Chernobyl-beams. I wonder what Mr. Kyle Hill's thoughts are about that. So what's on today's agenda? Let's do another drawing, apply somethings we learned.

_On Valkyria Chronicles:

Picked the game up during a steam sale and been hooked ever since. I want to call it virtual table-top wargaming but utilizes squad-based tactics instead of sprawling fields of units. It's a good game for those who like puzzles, like it when a plan comes together, and what I understand about the game is that it challenges your logical skills. It's truly a game that encourages experimentation with your units, measure the battlefield against the specific roles of the classes, play with different strategies to capture the enemy base with the fewest moves.

That's the heart of why games are so fun, learn the rules, experiment with different strategies to achieve a victory-condition. I wonder what kind of re-wiring the brain undergoes when someone dives into a game session. How does the brain of a competitive FPS player differ from someone into tabletop Warhammer?

_Closing Thoughts:

I wish there was more to say on the topic but I'm not all that versed in neuro-science. But I'm still enthused about the self-improvement angle, learn the things I want to learn so I can finally move forward with my projects. Best to avoid that language, though. It invites an old mindset that's stirred up by certain phrases. Moving on means a new manner of speaking, associations and all that.

It's impressive the way humans are able to reinvent themselves once they're conscious of their ability to do so. Forgot my headphones so any more learning on the subject of art is gonna go the way of step-by-step How To's, PDFs, any other media besides video. As for writing, though...hmm, that's an interesting one. How to understand the challenge of writing. I'll have to follow up on that once I do some reading first.

-Errant out

_Intro:

Saw no need to turn this into an entry for Screaming into the Ether, instead it's more fit to write as a casual update on the state of things. Spoke with my therapist today and he spoke to me about how the root cause of my personal issues comes from an internal source. The connection issues, irritability, the fear, it all starts with me. I think that on some fundamental level I am the root cause for my own problems and I personally put the some of the blame on autism.

_Being Acoustic and Guitarded:

One of my all time flaws has been difficulty connecting with others and that's my main issue with having a spectrum disorder. Speech, social cues, both are two critical aspects of communication I struggle with and the result was a lot of hardship with fitting in. I'm not the type of person who sits down with a group for lunch or drinks and work on a class project. As nice as that would be, I don't see myself existing in that kind of habitat and I accept that.

_On Lexine:

She was always written to be the rogue, the lonesome drifter. That's how she started in my New Vegas play-through. I went out for a walk whilst dwelling on that debate I have with myself-more of a conundrum, really-and being one of my characters, Lexine helped walk me through it. As of late I'd been tailoring my stories and my characters to draw in more of a specific audience-more masking through art.

Whereas isolation is a slow-death, inauthentic connection is death by a thousand cuts. Doing that with my art would've harmed me in a whole new way and with that in mind, isolation is preferable for the time being. I'll hang onto that for as long as I need to.

So where does Miss Lexine fit into that internal dilemma? Well, she's the rogue. I see her personified by the lone she-wolf, Lex doesn't need to fit any mold just to be accepted by a sensible audience and in more ways than one I want her to embody some kind of gonzo archetype, like something out of a Hunter S. Thompson story. Weird, chaotic, extraordinary. Or is that more Bukowski? Maybe Bukowski without the depression. There's always been the underbelly of society, the kind that our parents want to shield us from and I want Lexine to embody the obscene mysticism of the world's outcasts and derelicts. Sensibility need not apply.

_Whiskey in the Jar:

Last night I lamented not having the chaotic energy of the Raoul Duke character, that I'm far too sheltered and imperceptive to be a part of that wild, derelict scene of American outcasts and rogues. To be honest, it's my weakness that I crave some kind of safety net, a support network to keep me tethered so that I don't fall too far. Being that way, I began to crave fantasies of some unforeseen event that would disrupt that shelter and I'd be propelled out into the wider world, a man of my own devices.

I remember the stories my older brother told me of his experience moving out. If it wasn't that huge party he threw in my parents' house it was certainly the day he dropped out of college and was sent to live with my uncle, work in his tire shop. I wish I understood that man's ability to reach people because that's his greatest edge in survival. When he was homeless, when he was without my parents' support. But he'd never encourage that life path for me or my little brother, far from it. Stay in school, get a job with benefits-that's his lesson for us.

Then why does that message go unrecognized sometimes? Maybe the rogue life isn't for me until it becomes absolute necessity. That lifestyle of the gonzo journalist ingratiating themselves in the world's underbelly of odd faces, weirder stories. 24 years of shelter, security, has numbed that ability to survive the reckless and wild even though I envy it.

My brother discourages that life-as does my mother-because they believe it's paramount to avoid a life full of unnecessary suffering-even if that means compromising your wanderlust for a supportive job that provides no emotional fulfillment.

Have you seen the movie Captain Fantastic? It stars Viggo Mortensen as the counter-cultural patriarch of a family who lives in the woods, isolated from society. He does a great job of educating them, keeping them fit and healthy; despite their unabomber-esque living situation. I saw it with my mother and she commented there's a level of non-conformity that becomes insane and the movie seemed to agree with her. Viggo's radical lifestyle isn't what he needed for his children. It even held them back in a variety of ways despite his guiding presence in their upbringing. What was the answer by the movie's denouement? Balance of some sort, he didn't need to pick up a suit and tie just to make it work for his children, but he still found a way to make ends meet, let them be a part of the modern world without compromising their independence.

I for one can't see how that balance is sustainable.

_What's Next?:

Work continues as usual. I have short-stories I want to write and art principles I need to learn. Connection can wait. Community-building, making friends, I don't think that was ever an option for me on account of the autism. I'm not even likeable either without masking so what good will it do me to behave inauthentically? Of course, that level of isolation doesn't have to dictate withdrawal-no, it was withdrawal that hurt me, not the isolation. Get out there in the world, make something of yourself, but don't let the bastards grind you down.

What would Lexine make of that? Well, if we're staying true to her character one of the most liberating things you can be is on your own, for better or worse. Does that mean total isolation? Of course not, I still love my girlfriend and agree to hang out with an old high school buddy and I think they're all I need. But the pursuit of connection is not worth it if it means adopting a falsified sense of self.

No one reads these anyway, even the smiley face guy hasn't shown up.

Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da

-Errant Out

_Intro:

Wicked bout of head fog. Won't pretend I don't know where it came from but will omit the details. Instead, all I'll say is that it unfortunately impedes my writing. A clear head is needed, perhaps I'll do something to ground myself. Moving on, the day's been a long battle of moral confusion and the whole year feels like it's been going that course as well. The need to feel validated, accepted, all clash with the lingering sense of cultural rot, like there's not enough empathy to go around. We've all become embittered by the state of things.

I no longer feel at odds with the optimists but still can't see things as they do-it's just not in me. Nevertheless, all's left to do is move forward. I enjoy watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas during times like this. The spiritual decay of Raoul Duke feels like a parallel to my own, like there's nothing left but to carry on with the loss of something better.

But I still have my own insecurities to deal with no matter the state of things. Feelings of inadequacy, feelings of isolation. It's still the same noise.

_On Fear and Loathing:

It's easily in my list of top 10 films, right next to Aliens and 28 Days Later. Driving through the western US hits a nostalgic chord with me, especially when I think of those long summer drives to California with the grandparents. What brief moments I spent in Las Vegas still resonate with me emotionally and I think that's because I love Fallout: New Vegas. But there's more to it than that!

I see a lot of parallels to draw between Nixon and the Trump administration but what unites them both is that loss to the forces of old and evil. However, they can both be vilified in their own ways. More than that, though, is the cultural rot that follows. Maybe it was always there but the volume is louder now.

People are starting to run out of steam. How long can we keep going like this? Work just to barely survive in a world of increasing hostility. Why do you work for a living if you kill yourself working? Something like that. I think everyone's finally catching onto the grim meat-hook reality and from that comes exhaustion of both mind and body. There's no capacity for kindness anymore-I fear it's too late for that. The rules are clear and everyone's dug in. But in that bleak outlook there's levity. The other night I sat with my girlfriend, in my truck, both of us enjoying cheeseburgers California Style while listening to Van Halen's Ain't Talking Bout Love. It's important to find joy where you can.

I wish I had Raoul Duke's chaotic energy. More than likely that was a product of severe drug usage and possible head trauma from the time a gang of biker's put the boots to him. When I watch his antics in the movie, he seems liberated in a way, like he's an explorer in a new, obscene reality. An alien where ever he goes. Something tells me that was the mask he wore to navigate Nixon's America. Another thing that struck me was the Z symbolism.

It starts as a threat coming from Doctor Gonzo expressing his desire to carve a little Z into Duke's forehead. Later, Gonzo follows through on his promise by writing it in ketchup, and finally in the pink hotel room after the adrenochrome binge. Written on the back wall, "Z He lives!". I've been told that Hunter S. is no stranger to putting cryptic details into his work but I'm fascinated by the meaning. It harkens back to Zorro and his famous "Z" insignia. In ancient Greek, Z means "He lives". But what method was there to the Doctor's madness? Because it seems the Z appears right after an epic drug binge-White Rabbit in the tub, the high watermark, adrenochrome. And Z is right there after that unfortunate return to consciousness, lucidity.

It's no accident that Duke wanted to kill himself and perhaps that was the intent all along. Suicide by reckless behavior and when that didn't work, a S&W model 645 finished what the drugs started. Hunter S. Thompson-too weird to live and too rare to die.

So what notes does the movie leave us with? Because it seems to end on this message of defeatism but Jumpin' Jack Flash by the Rolling Stones tells us it's alright, in fact it's a gas. I think that's good enough for me. Hunter S. went on to write and influence many lives with his work and the legacy of an American Outlaw still carries on. There's hope in that.

I have to contend with the fact that life isn't the adventure I thought it would be. There's no epic to be derived from existing here but still we have to make do. Whatever grounds you is reason enough to stay. Do not go quietly into that good night.

_Where do I leave off?:

Though it sounds antithetical to my original virtues as an artist, creation without connection feels pointless. I still have hope that good news is out there, I just need to give myself time and patience. But now I have the added weight of defeatism. Nothing worthwhile is easy, or so say they say. Nevertheless, the only way out of a tunnel is forward and that's my intent.

When I was a teenager I had this stallion energy, I said damn the torpedoes and carried on because everything would be alright in the end. Then quickly, reality sets in that no amount of posturing can dissuade and all that momentum evaporates. Moving forward means being strategic, intentional, every year the safety net gets thinner. If there's something we can takeaway from this, the test of one's mettle comes from how they weather adversity, not avoid it. Fucking bullshit if you ask me but let's wrap up here.

I'm going to see my therapist for the first time in months and I know for certain I want to discuss with him the depression's quiet revival. And the intrusive thoughts, the insecurities, and where I'm at in my passions. The state of the world feels like it needs to be glossed over, nothing positive will come from that.

A submarine feels like an oddly comforting image. It's the ideal of soft power, a submarine isn't this vulgar display of force but rather it's quiet, intentional, observant. That's the kind of imagery I need moving forward.

-Errant Out.

_Intro:

Reflecting on yesterday's post, I'm left with three main ideas.

[01]_Tailoring without mutilating: I expressed the need to feel connected to others through my work and the main obstacle there was choosing to focus on art that's not only lewd but self-gratifying. Instead of building bridges off of a need to be validated, it's best to pursue a balance. Meaning that I will keep doing what I'm doing. Every writing, drawing, so on, must be authentic to me whatever that may look like. Rather than ask "what does the world want with me" the better question is what do I want to give the world? But as the world changes, so do I. Right now I'd rather not think of myself as letting go of ideals but making room for change.

[02]_Identity: Staying aware of my surroundings, observant of myself, it's...sobering. However, the difficulty comes from retraining a habit that I've built for the better part of 20 years. I think when you're conscious of your own ego trauma hurts less-or more...I'm no expert. I can't change my desires but I can work through them, build off them, take inspiration where it's necessary. In the same Kyle Hill video of free-will, someone wrote, "You've already made your decision, what you're supposed to do is find out why".

[03]_Not too late: It's still a hard pill to swallow, the autism thing, but at the same time I think I just never wanted to be an active participant in the world and that meant not being an active participant in my own life. Being alive is confusing. That's why everyone finds something to ground themselves with, it's awkward chaos otherwise. With all the news coming out about tariffs and bleak outlooks for the US, it's no wonder to see just how easy it is to fall into a recession of your own. But what good will it do to say we're all fucked, anyway? The absurdist thing to do is pick up and move on. I've already spent a lot of time being worried.

_Closing Thoughts:

Don't think. I'm not saying don't evaluate, strategize, critique, I mean don't be so hyperaware of things. That's why they say ignorance is bliss. It's especially true if you need to ground someone else. There's something I forgot that I learned earlier in the year-When you imagine that all the good in life is the baseline, every misfortune feels like a tragedy. But if you accept that all the bad is the baseline, all the good that happens feels like a rare, precious gift. That's good enough for me.

_Intro:

A recurring theme for the past few months has been identity. Another one would be the duality between connection vs. isolation. I'm going to throttle my words if I think too hard about them so let's indulge in some stream of consciousness, shall we? I don't expect people to read these anyway. Especially not after a hiatus of a few months. About that, it goes into the whole connection vs. isolation thing. And that intersects with the theme of identity and whole 'nother can of worms.

_Connection vs. Isolation:

I started the year making a promise to myself that I would branch out, reach people, build connection. That promise failed to gain momentum after only a few months. The reality is, what does the world want with an nsfw artist who doesn't follow through on his goals? Even outside of this account it's hard to feel like I'm a part of anything. But who's to blame, society? Autism? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole socializing thing. Best not let that idea linger, else I run the risk of internalizing it like so many other bad ideas.

If autism were a radio, socializing is a frequency you can't tune into. Of course, with enough training, you can eventually get there in some limited capacity. But I stop to think if there's something fundamentally wrong with me on a predestined, biologic level. And that's where the insecurities come in. Without revealing what they are I will say that the world has a way of pushing those buttons. Then the response is to close off, isolate, return to the comfortable and familiar. What it feels like is that the world doesn't want me or people like me and the only way forward is to mask. That means doing the same for my art.

That doesn't mean the only ideas in store are straight up goon-fuel, but I have to ask myself just how much of myself do I tailor to connect with others and is it even worth the effort? When everyone's so divided, and combative, and instinctually hostile, what's the point? Growing up means being more aware of everything. Every year I have to let go of another dream, it has to do with letting go of fantasy, wishful thinking. Is that what Hunter S. meant when he was talking about Tim Leary and the "grim, meat-hook realities"?

I once asked myself if there was healing in connection. That by maybe tailoring my art in way that could reach people who mattered, I would be a part of something. Some time, some where I could be accepted, valued, maybe even admired. But I ask again, what good is a nsfw artist who doesn't follow through on his goals?

Isolation is a slow death and sometimes it feels like that's all there is for me if I stay the course. The desire to connect is there. But not the ability or the opportunity.

_On Identity:

Upon closer inspection, the insecurities have been a problem of mine since high school. That's too much time to be carrying all that weight and it's left me with the question of just how much would change if I were born different? I suppose it's not healthy to dwell on those hypotheticals for too long, you'll rack your brain over the what ifs then settle on the realization that things could be better, could be worse. Just an unsatisfying middle ground.

But if we're talking about circumstances beyond our control you can look at all the decisions and experiences that brought you to this point. Shape it into some kind of meaning and call it identity. What it feels like now is a response to the strong desire that I wish I were someone else. With that comes the desire to have an entirely different life and when you look at it, the grass really isn't greener on the other side. Everyone's got baggage, got flaws. Maybe if we just stepped out of our own heads for a while we could really examine ourselves. A mirror is insufficient, this has to be work of the conscious mind.

I was watching a Kyle Hill video on the illusion of freewill. Call me materialistic but I've been partial to the scientific over the spiritual, there's just more to ground myself with for better or worse. But a point Kyle made in his video was that we have the illusion of choice just like we have an illusion of self. Now that's where the scientific and spiritual break bread-the illusion of self. If you look at it from the perspective that you aren't really you, you're just observing you, then that's a whole new lease on life. At least in my case, it gives me that chance to step out of my head, self-examine, move forward. Maybe that's it, the illusion of the self.

However, that still doesn't answer my next question which intersects with Connection vs. Isolation. When Kyle Hill said that freewill is an illusion, he implied that there's a nature to everyone. No different than the bear that ate Timothy Treadwell, certain people really can't alter themselves. You may choose to pursue your desires, but you can't choose what you desire. And there's the kicker.

So what does that mean for me? Because I could certainly try to connect to others with my art. I think doing so would mean losing the NSFW attachment. Sure, people gotta bust. But there's something more to art, even moreso than modesty vs. obscenity. It has something to do with just how much you stay out of your own ego. I think that's it! It's ego. Do I make something that I want others to enjoy or am I just appeasing myself and hope others catch on? And how much of myself do I give before I really burn out?

The world doesn't want me. Another idea I mustn't internalize. What I learned in my BritLit class is that pride can go both ways, from praise to degradation, but it's still an infatuation with ego. And how can I connect when I only think of myself?

I've used the phrase 'unhappy middle ground' before and the inversion of that is balance. I need balance. I can't change the fact that I like writing about fantasy battles between women with no clothes on. But I can't really leverage that to make friends, no sir. So what's the plan, make art that tailors to both desires: the desire to connect and the desire to self-gratify? I wonder what longevity that will get me.

And all the while I'm carrying that fucking weight around that tells me I'm not good enough, people won't just dislike me they'll despise me. And that weight follows me no matter how I choose to create my art. Back into the fucking cave then, don't trip on the beer cans in there.

_On Awareness:

Every year I let go of another dream. When you stop building fantasies in your head everything makes sense to you in all the worst ways. Since I began maladaptive daydreaming in middle school, I've been getting stuck in my head trying to escape. It's always been a defense mechanism now that I think about it. But that mechanism backfired on me when it turned into a false interpretation of the world. Like some Disney kid who never grew up, I built all these fantasies and fairy tales, and letting go of them made me aware of how dull and cruel reality is.

Yeah, it has turned me into a doomer at times, won't deny that. And being optimistic truly feels like the absurdist's route. Something I have to take on blind faith that the good ending is possible. That a good life is possible.

Let me get out of my own head for a second. Doomerism is more than just self-destructive because it turns into an obnoxious sweat that interferes with the lives the of people closest to you. And I am very close with people who are in a much worse position than I am. Not invalidating my own struggles, but I can go for a win-win here by not being a doomer. I can be a good friend to others and to myself by not cultivating the doomer mindset.

Aight, back to me. Hyperawareness. I'm hyperaware of my insecurities, of my spot in life, and all that thinking becomes a noise machine. A positive feedback loop of intrusive thoughts and negative thinking. The depression came back without my knowing and it's manifested in ways that have affected my relationships. If attention and focus is a currency, then hyperawareness blows that money on all the worst things.

I think some kind of eastern philosophy could do the trick. Buddhism, maybe some Hindu stuff. After all, monks don't seem bothered by this shit, I wonder what they'd have to say.

_Where To Go From Here:

Addressing the problem(s) is only have the battle, solutions should be the other. Otherwise it becomes some kind of self-denigrating masturbation. I don't think even submissives in a bdsm scene get off on that kind of humiliation. Self-destruction becomes habit that people get all too comfortable with.

I think I'll need another hiatus to truly study the skills I want to learn and that'll mean limiting distractions such as social media. There are still things that haunt me such as gender division, economic collapse, and my own lingering insecurities. But it was never for me to kick my insecurities out of a moving vehicle, just keep them from driving. I suppose that's all there is to it.

_Closing Thoughts:

I needed to write another entry because it's how I want to conclude the skull chatter-at least for another while. I want to believe that pessimism is just another fallacy masquerading as foresight. But that still leaves me with the same problem of how I need to reconcile my desire for connection vs. my desire for self-gratification (at least as far as my art is concerned).

The world is such a tumultuous place right now and I fear being left behind. My mom told me that neuro-divergents are late bloomers, apparently we start about 15 years after our peers. That thought does not sit well with me but she says there's still time.

I hope there's a place for me once the dust settles, after I'm done figuring things out. My dad says that life is just a series of transient points, there is no true destination. What I think he means is that also includes where you're at spiritually, mentally. You're never going to find stable ground because there isn't stable ground. It's just moving from one safe spot to the next. With that I don't attach any negative connotations because it is what it is.

Maybe that's what the stoics meant by apatheia. I'm gonna miss Einzelganger.

What left is there to say? Tomorrow brings something new and I can't make plans because that's not how this works. Despite my preference for science and whatnot, there's still a part of me that remains superstitious long after I've lost my faith. As I'm writing this, I can't help but feel like some force is orchestrating things. If I make plans for myself, my dad will ask me to help him with his. Guaranteed. So with that in mind, I suppose the best thing to do is stay limber. Physically and mentally.

But after all this yammering I feel at ease. If you clean out the closet, you may find some artifact that will surprise you. And so I keep writing.

-Errant out

_My Results:

It took me a while to get a grasp on Inkscape's UI after years of Illustrator but this is the end product. I wouldn't call it refined, certainly not good enough for professional design work but it'll do. So with that in mind, I'd say we're ready to move onto another logo, one of greater complexity.

This logo made use of the Bezier tool, elipse, text, and gradients. I'll need to look more into Inkscape's index of features to figure out what to do next but I say it's an ok start. My assessment of the program is that it's almost an inverse of Illustrator, being more keyboard dominant than working more with a mouse. Old habits die hard, too. A lot of keyboard shortcuts I need to unlearn. Actually, instead of a logo, let's work on revising the .SVG of the personal data sheets, see if we can get them to fit a proper 6x4 format more precisely.

_For Tomorrow:

Up next is shitposting. Seems like that's what I'll be doing a lot with GIMP but I'd still like to learn not so much for photo-editing but more for making thumbnails, book covers and the like. Heck, why not start today?

_Recapping the Previous Sessions:

Last night I tried my hand at programming. Got the machine to say Hello World!, not hard. Just a simple

>>>print("Hello World!") and hit enter.

They say if you can do that then you can program anything. Don't quote me on that. Needed ChatGPT to do a lot of heavy lifting but I'm using it to teach me so that I know every inch of that code and then one day I can do it on my own. It's a good teacher so far.

They coffee mug still needs finishing before I finally render it, that'll be a fun experiment. Other than that, just dealing with personal problems. A good project or two will keep you out of your own head when it's necessary.

_Final Thoughts:

Happy with my progress so far. I'll continue to use ChatGPT to help guide me through problems and with enough time, I'll be able to coast through the projects on my own. Getting to a point where I'm comfortable enough using the list of software is good enough for me.

-Errant out

_On The State of Things:

Sunday I got busy working on the Coffee Mug project for Blender. So far I'd say it's complete but I still want to use this as an opportunity to learn texturing, shading, rendering. Things like that. While I have the general shape of it ready-subdivision surface modifier included-there's more I can do to go the extra mile. Next week, though.

Today I tried booting up the PyCharm and made the sad realization that while I have and IDE, I don't have python installed. Wanted to build a house, bought the land, forgot to buy lumber. Using public WiFi right now so I'm not gonna download anything here. A vampire can only enter your house when invited as the legend goes. However, I did some talking with ChatGPT to get a bit of a crash course on python and learning programming as a whole. Together, we came up with a lesson plan to move forward:

🚀 1️⃣ Python Fundamentals (You're Here)

✅ Variables & Data Types → int, float, str, bool, list, dict

✅ User Input & Printing → input(), print()

✅ Control Flow (Logic) → if, elif, else

✅ Loops → for, while

✅ Functions → def my_function():

✅ Importing Modules → import random, import math

🔹 Project Idea:

• Make a simple dice roller 🎲
• Build a basic logging system for tracking activities

🔹 2️⃣ Working with Data

✅ Lists & Tuples → Storing multiple values ([1, 2, 3])

✅ Dictionaries → Key-value pairs ({"name": "Dusk", "age": 21})

✅ File Handling → Reading/Writing files (open("file.txt", "r"))

✅ String Manipulation → Formatting text dynamically

🔹 Project Idea:

• Create an RPG-style inventory system 🏹
• Track Project: Winfield gear, mileage, and spending

🔹 3️⃣ Object-Oriented Programming (OOP)

✅ Classes & Objects → Creating reusable code structures

✅ Methods & Attributes → Functions inside classes

✅ Inheritance → Creating specialized versions of existing code

🔹 Project Idea:

• Build a character class system for an RPG
• Organize data tracking for art progress or travel logs

🔹 4️⃣ Modules, APIs & Automation

✅ Using External Libraries → (pandas, matplotlib, requests)

✅ APIs & Web Scraping → Accessing online data

✅ GUI Programming → Creating visual interfaces

🔹 Project Idea:

• Automate art tracking with graphs 📊
• Weather API integration for Project: Winfield ☀️🌧️
• Build a simple desktop app to log your daily progress

🔹 5️⃣ Advanced Topics (Your Choice)

🛠 Game Development → pygame

🤖 Machine Learning & AI → TensorFlow, scikit-learn

🔧 Cybersecurity & Hacking → socket, hashlib

📡 Networking & Automation → selenium, beautifulsoup

This structure will guide future projects once I get the basics down.

_Moving Forward:

Tomorrow starts work on the Coffee Shop Logo in Inkscape. Their website already has a library of tutorials ready and once I'm comfortable with the UI and features, then work can resume just as it did in Illustrator-only it won't cost me $25/mo. Then Thursday will have a similar work loop. I already have a few ideas for shitposts just don't expect them to be quality. I'm not a funny guy. On the topic of GIMP, I can see myself making a lot of book covers and such, anything to enhance work that can be done in Inkscape because I remember using PhotoShop and Illustrator a lot congruently.

_Final Thoughts:

I'll get back to work on the Dice Roller soon as I have a secure connection. For now, I'll touch on other things while this coffee bar is still open. I spoke to a friend of mine who's a Psychology Professor and he told me something about the brain. The gist of it is that the more you learn, the easier it is to learn more. Human beings are born with so many excess neurons that are lost by the age of ten. Our brains are truly a "use it or lose it" type of deals. My therapist also told me "What wires together, fires together" so I'd very much like to make a habit of learning these programs and making cool stuff with them.

-Errant out